Dear Ally,

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Throwback: Men women hate to date

Dear Ally,

This is going to make me sound super old, but here goes…before there were blogs or twitter or facebook, students were invited to submit columns to the student newspaper. One day this article titled, “Women who men hate to date” appeared in our paper, The Post. My roommate and I could not let that go unanswered. The following is our response, published sometime in the early winter of 1999.

Men Women Hate to Date

This Turnstile is in response to the column “Women who men hate to date,” Jan 27. While we haven’t sworn off dating, we certainly have our share of dating horror stories. Besides, we can’t have all of this advice floating around about whom men should avoid dating without its counterpart being presented. So here’s the flip side. If you’re a woman, stay away from these guys at all cost. If you’re a man, work to avoid fitting these descriptions because the truth is out.

Inhales Food Like He’s Goin’ for a Record Guy: Dude, I promise I won’t steal your food, and, yes, I am going to eat all of this. Just give me a chance.

I Live and Breathe Sports Guy: He walks around spewing forth volumes of sports trivia and putting “BABY!” on the end of every sentence.

Won’t Go Away Guy: When a girl says, “Well, I have to do my homework now,” the wrong answer is “Oh, I’ll just watch you. I promise I won’t make a sound.”

Way Too Much, Way Too Soon Guy: True story: This guy was kissing me in his car on our first date, and he had the audacity to reach over me, pull my seat lever so my seat tipped all the way back and practically try to mount me!

Lost in the 80’s Guy: My favorite true story: I’d been dating this guy for several months when he takes me on this really nice date. At the end of the evening, we go back to his apartment. After making me slow dance to three 80’s songs (one of which was “The Search is Over” and all of which were on 45 rpm records), he sits me down and kneels in front of me, holding a small box. He then goes into a speech about how special I am to him. I’m freaking out, thinking, “Oh my gosh! This is it!” I open the box and inside is this clunky dented, huge high school ring that says, “Class of ’88” on it.

My advice: Never – let me say it again – never, for any reason, kneel down in front of a girl unless it is the moment, and especially not with a small box in your hand. Also, do not expect any self-respecting college girl to wear your high school class ring.

Silent guy: Guys wonder why girls never shut up. Somebody has to keep the conversation alive. A grunt or a shrug just doesn’t cut it. Say something, anything.

Suddenly Shock Me Guy: True story: I was studying physics with a guy (such a romantic subject) when out of the blue and for no reason he blurts out, “I love you!” I mumbled something about having a boyfriend and dashed out of the room as fast as humanly possible.

Raging Temper Guy: This is the guy who broke his hand punching the wall and who bursts into English classes shaking his finger at his girlfriend and shouting expletives.

Embarrassing Guy: We’ve all seen this guy. He insists on letting the entire world know how much he loves this girl. He’s often seen kissing her in the dining hall when all the poor girl wants to do is eat in peace.

Aggressive Kisser Guy: This guy thinks he’s Cary Grant. He’ll suck on your lip until you’re sure it’ll be purple for weeks. Then he’ll kiss you so hard his 5 o’clock shadow has scrubbed all the skin off your chin.

Drown Me in Useless Gifts Guy: Flowers and candy are nice, but there is a possibility of too much of a good thing. A girl only can fit so many stuffed animals on her bed and trinkets on her desk. Shoelaces were the best Valentine’s Day gift I ever got – and they were from my roommate.

Take a Clue Guy: When a woman has made it clear that she will not sleep with you, you are not going to change her mind by saying you have coupons to the Super 8.

Can’t Keep His Mouth Closed When He Eats Guy: This is the guy who an eat bread, a seemingly innocent food that’s not crunchy or liquidy and make the most wretched squelching, slurping, smacking noises you’ve ever heard.

With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, we hope we’ve helped some of you avoid that fatal dating faux pas. Chew your food before swallowing, hold on to that class ring, keep your coupons to yourself and take inventory of her chocolates and stuffed animals before purchasing her Valentine’s Day gift.

Seems like my writing style hasn’t changed too much in 20 years and I still prefer practical gifts and can’t stand noisy eaters. Our article was mostly meant to be funny, but today when I reread the article we had responded to, it seemed bitter, bordering on angry. Wonder if he ever found the right girl. Meanwhile, I married silent guy, turns out their good listeners and should be listened to when they do speak.

Hope you and your guy are doing well! Have a great week!

Aunt Sarah

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